The Vogue Mea Culpa of an Apathetic Atheist

You’re a fucking piece of shit, I wish you nothing sort of pain,anguish, and suffering in all aspects of your life until your last breath on Earth.

I wanted to be loved and held and treated like the most precious thing in the world but more often than not it doesn’t happen….. And. Then…. I met you.

You filled my head with promises of romance and loving care and affection and I fell head first into heartache. You saw the most intimate parts of my body, that no ones seen and I told you things about myself that I can never say aloud and you used me…

And threw me away. You then ignored my calls, texts and any attempt I made to talk to you. I did blow up on you for no reason once and I apologized profusely. I told you you were a great guy, I found myself begging you to talk to me , to tell me I’m beautiful, gorgeous ,lovely, sexy… I wanted to feel wanted.

You pretended not to know me, You erased me from your memory. I no longer existed, You told me you didn’t care how I felt and laughed at my anguish.

I didn’t understand. You told me I was special. You loved my personality and you told me that you’d never give me up. You lied.

You took my childish innocence from me and you replaced it with hurt and anger. And I hate you. I hate you for making me hate myself. You told me you loved my body, and you would treat me like the most precious thing in the world.

Instead you became demanding making me degrade myself for your own amusement. And I let you. Because I was so desperate for someone to love me. I don’t know why I did.

I was swept up in your promises of marriage and the potential for a secure relationship. I thought you were a sweet guy, a great guy. But, like many times before I was proven wrong.

I wanted to fix whatever it was that I had done to you just to get you to speak me. Just once.. I didn’t want it to end… the compliments, the kind words, the affection. I just wanted someone to want me more than I wanted myself.

You made me hate my body. You told me I was fat, and needed to lose weight. You took incriminating pictures of my most sacred parts. Was everything you told me a lie? I am too trusting. Too naïve. You are a disgusting, horrible excuse for a man and a human being.

You used me for your own personal gain and then threw me aside. I hate you. I want to hurt you in the most inexplicable ways. I want you to feel the pain and hurt and the embarrassment that I feel now. You had no right to treat me like that. I’m not sorry for what I told you. You deserved every bashing I gave you…..

When I finally got a hold of you one day….you pretended not to know who I was. You said you didn’t care. You called me pathetic and told me to lose your number. I asked why you were being an ass.

And You. Called. Me. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C …… It didn’t faze me at first but all day it echoed it my head.

The promises of love and affection, your loving gaze. It was all superficial and all for naught. I felt helpless. All I could do was cry.

I don’t think that I’ve ever been happy with you. You made me feel like shit. Who the fuck do you think you are? You spineless piece of shit! You were never in a relationship before and I can see why.

You’re a male chauvinistic bastard. You need to take your head out of your ass and go fuck yourself. I wish all of the worst for you and your future. I want you to suffer the same way you made me. I hope you never find love, happiness or solidarity.

I want every day you spend on earth to be torture. I hate you. I fucking hate you. You pursued me and I let you take advantage of me. I didn’t realize it but almost all of my time was wasted on you doing what you want.

You never really cared about me, you lied. You lied. It was all a big FUCKING LIE. An illusion. An elaborate scheme to get me to sleep with you. You never really wanted me. You wanted a conquest. I never did anything to deserve the way you treated me. I am not apologizing for anything that I did or said to you.

You’re a poor excuse for a human being and a man. Don’t make promises that you can’t keep.

I was nothing short of compassionate, and kind towards you. And still you lied to me. Used me. You tore my heart apart and threw me aside as if I were nothing.

Was I ever anything to you? Did you ever care about me? It hurts to know your true nature.

You’re nothing more than a sex obsessed guy trying to get off. I was just a pawn in your game of conquests.

I was a child. You knew better. You should. Why would you do something like that to me? To anyone? I trusted you with all of me. I believed everything you told me. You hurt me worse than anyone ever could.

I tried to mold and form myself to fit your image of perfection. I’m fucking tired. Of all of this. I can’t believe I let you do that to me. I’m hurt, embarrassed and disgusted with myself…

The worse part of it is that…

You. Don’t Care. You don’t care. You don’t care. You don’t care… You never did. You never took the time to get to know me or try to…

I am pathetic. I’m absolutely fucking pathetic for letting a monster like you into my life. I wish I never met you.

No one deserves to be subjected to what you put me through.

“Hey, thanks for telling me that over text, after not being able to reach you for you for a few days I was starting to worry about you. 

I guess I must have misread your text at first.

Even though, I was expecting that, I thought maybe I’d hear it in person or over the phone… 

But no, I’m not surprised. I would have loooooved to that know that a few days ago.

A phone call would have been nice.

But, it’s no big deal. Not at all.

And Don’t go out of your way to make any form of an effort to try to contact me if you’re still here.

It’s not like you were going to anyway. Oh! And thanks for answering my text I sent earlier, and all of the previous texts, and calls that I’ve made!

Don’t apologize to me for anything. At all.

Really. I don’t want one, and I don’t need one.

Just the fact that you were so considerate enough to tell me this after several days of me trying to contact you is enough for me. Thank you soooo much.

You know it’s great to know that I have a friend as great as you here in town. Makes me love this city even more. Everyone is just so loving…

And fuck it.

You’re an asshole.

When you called me the other day you should have told me that you didn’t want to continue what we’re doing.

Thanks for stringing me along.

I feel soooo fucking stupid for thinking I was mature to handle, whatever the fuck I got myself into….

Fuck it, fuck you, fuck this clusterfuck of a situation, this city, and every fucking person in it.

It’s not like I wasn’t expecting this.

I just thought you’d have the decency to tell me that you didn’t want to deal with me anymore over the phone… Or in person.

But, it’s not like it’s that big of deal.

We were never friends.

Just fuck buddies.

That’s all.

I thought we’d eventually become genuine friends…

But that’s just me being naive and childish.

You never intended to pursue any sort of friendship with me…

I understand that you’re going through a rough part in your life, but it would have been really nice to know that earlier.

I’m not having  such an awesome here and this just about did it for me.

I’m done. I’m done, considering other people’s feelings and emotions about things.

Fuck it. I don’t give a fuck.

Thanks for feeding me all that bullshit you’ve been telling me in past few months.

I actually believed the shit you were telling me.

You never meant any of it…

I’m used to it. I get used and once I outlive my purpose I get tossed to the side… Like a toy.

I’m not surprised. I’m too trusting, too naive…

You told me you’d help me through what I told you…

And you didn’t have the decency to pick up the phone and call me?…

But, I understand. I didn’t expect that much from you.

I don’t want to hear back from you after this whether you’re here or not..

Because, quite frankly… You can go fuck yourself. Thanks for being so sincere, sweet, gentle, and caring… Glad I met you.”

I couldn’t get what I wanted and I I’m angry. I couldn’t have you. I wanted someone to take care of me, and to make me feel important. I thought you’d make me feel better about myself and help me forget about my conflicts with my parents. I just wanted to feel wanted. By anyone. You’re the only person that acted like I was anything special… Until you couldn’t get what you were really after. I hate myself so much, and I’ve been depressed about you for weeks and I’m just so sad. There’s nothing that I could have done to make you be with me. You only wanted to sleep with someone. I just wanted to feel loved. I just don’t know what to do. I am more enthralled with the idea of being with someone than being with you..Or so I thought. I can’t get you out of my thoughts. Every dream, every nightmare is about you.

I can’t fathom why I’ve become so incredibly depressed over the last few weeks since graduating from high school. I’ve come to realize in a short amount of time that all of my friendships have been ephemeral and artificial and that most of my “friends” avoid and ignore me. I thought moving to Texas was going to be a new start for me. I could get new friends and maybe a boyfriend, and start to grow as person. Most days I’m so depressed that I can’t even get out of bed. I don’t know why. Is it because of the trauma I experienced on my childhood, and the fact that no one had tried to help me deal with it? My string of failed friendships and relationships? My self loathing? My family’s lack of consideration for my feelings?… I may never know.

When I was a child I had been molested several times by a digusting family member on my mother’s side for most of my childhood. He would wrestle me to the ground and fondle my brests and ass, on one occassion he tried to put his hands up my shorts. He forced kisses on me, and has groped me several times. My mother and family members were witness to the forced kissing and groping but dismissed it as “playing”. When I was about 6 or 7 I think, things escalated. I was in my grandmother’s room playing on the floor with toys and he came up behind me forced me to the floor and tried to pull off my shorts. I blocked out much after that. I do remember having stuff on my leg and crying I tried to tell my grandmother what happened and she told me I was a miserable little bitch and that I was lying. Since that day I have nightmares about what happened. I know that he assaulted me whether my mother, and my grandmother and the rest of my family fails to acknowledge what happened or believe me. Nothing was done. No rape kit, no conseling. Absolutley nothing. I am meant to carry the shame and guilt of that incideint and that bastard gets to roam around with his head up his ass smiling because he got away with something. The reason my mother gave me for not reporting the incident is because she only believes that he tried to pull of my shorts. I never got to finish telling her and as I got older I tried to and she gets angry at me and tells me to get over it and that it’s not like he raped me. But, he did. After he pulled off my shorts. I felt my legs being spread and his hands touching my ass and my vagina. Then I felt his thing on my leg and then he started to penetrate me. It was very painful and then I realized his thing was in my butt. I tried to fight him off and scream but my grandmother who was in the next room watching tv did nothing. I eventually got him off of me and told my grandmother who reacted in anger and disbelief, so I locked myself in the restroom and cried. Eventually my mother came back from the store or getting her nails done and grandma told her “the little bitch is always crying. She’s lying . He didn’t touch her” So then when she opened the bathroom door, I ran to her crying and screaming and all I got out was that “He touched me and kept trying to take my shorts off.. ”—Something to that extent. My mother was angry called him out of his room and asked him what happened he denied it and she yelled at him. Then, my uncle was called and he yelled at him as well. Nothing  than that happened to him. I was very hostile to him as I got older. I forgot to mention that the assfucktard is autistic. I understand that means that he has a mental disability that doesn’t give him to right to violate me and suffer no punishment. I’ve heard that in cases of incest and childhood sexual abuse or assault cases the oldest you can be to still prosecute someone is 23. I plan to that as soon as I get out of the house. I’ve tried to tell my mother why I hate him but she doesn’t care. No one does. They go on in their daily lives pretending like nothing happened. I’m overreacting. I would have expected more from my own mother. She had been in a physically and sexually abusive realtyionship with her ex-husband for seven years and he degraded her in the most primitive and vile of ways and because of that experience I would expected that my OWN MOTHER. Would have done more to ensure my safety. But, I digress. Her and that STUPID OLD FUCKING BITCH OF A GRANDMOTHER THAT I Have….

I can’t finish writing this. It’s to hard. To revisit all of that anguish and hurt will push me over the edge. It ends here for now. I will finish this post eventually. 

I have spent many years of my life in pain. Whether it is emotional or physical pain, I feel as though I am always in a state of constant anguish.I feel as though my experiences in life are defined by the emotional toll Ifelt. I feel that I always want to be in pain or turmoil in order to exist or feel. I want to be loved and held and treated like the most precious thing in the world but more often than not it doesn’t happen. I have a loving family but for some reason it isn’t good enough for me and I don’t know why. I met a guy and he filled my head with fairy tales and promises of romance and loving care and affection and I fell head first into heartache. He saw the most intimate parts of my body, that no one’s seen and I told him things I can never say out loud and he used me, And threw me away. He then ignored my calls, texts and any attempt I made to talk to him. I did blow up on him for no reason once and I apologized profusely. Itold him he was a great guy, I found myself begging him  to talk to me , to tell me I’m beautiful, gorgeous ,lovely, sexy… I wanted to feel wanted. He pretended not to know me, He erased me from his memory. I no longer existed, He told me he didn’t care how I felt and laughed at my anguish. I didn’t understand. You told me I was special. You loved my personality and that you’d never give me up. You lied. You took my childish innocence from me and you replaced it with hurt and anger. And I hate you. I hate you for making me hate myself. You told me you loved my body, and you would treat me like the most precious thing in the world. Instead you became demanding making me degrade myself for your own amusement. And I let you. Because I was so desperate for someone to love me. I don’t know why I did. I was swept up in your promises of marriage and the potential for a secure relationship. I thought you were a sweet guy, a great guy. But, like many times before I was proven wrong. I wanted to fix whatever it was that I had done to you just to get you to speak me. Just once.. I didn’t want it to end… the compliments, the kind words, the affection. I just wanted someone to want me more than I wanted myself. You made me hate my body. You told me I was fat, and needed to lose weight. You took incriminating pictures of my most sacred parts. Was everything you told me a lie? I am too trusting. Too naïve. You are a disgusting, horrible excuse for a man and a human being. You used me for your own personal gain and then threw me aside. I hate you. I want to hurt you in the most inexplicable ways. I want you to feel the pain and hurt and the embarrassment that I feel now. You had no right to treat me like that. I’m not sorry for what I told you. You deserved every bashing I gave you…..

When I finally got a hold of you yesterday morning you pretended not to know who I was. You said you didn’t care. You called me pathetic and told me to lose your number. I asked why you were being an ass. And  You. Called.  Me. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C ……

It didn’t faze me at first but all day it echoed it my head. The promises of love and affection, your loving gaze. It was all superficial and all for naught. I felt helpless. All I could do was cry. I don’t think that I’ve ever been happy with you. You made me feel like shit. Who the fuck do you think you are? You spineless piece of shit!  You were never in a relationship before and I can see why. You’re a male chauvinistic bastard. You need to take your head out of your ass and go fuck yourself. I wish all of the worst for you and your future. I want you to suffer the same way you made me. I hope you never find love, happiness or solidarity. I want every day you spend on earth to be torture. I hate you. I fucking hate you.

You pursued me and I let you take advantage of me. I didn’t realize it but almost all of my time was wasted on you doing what you want. You never really cared about me, you lied. You lied. It was all a big sham. An illusion.  An elaborate scheme to get me to sleep with you. You never really wanted me. You wanted  a conquest. I never did anything to deserve the way you treated me. I am not apologizing for anything that I did or said to you. You’re a poor excuse for a human being and a man. Don’t  make promises that you can’t keep.  I was nothing short of compassionate, and kind towards you. And still you lied  me. Used me.  You tore my heart apart and threw me aside as if I were nothing.

Was I ever anything to you? Did you ever care about me? It hurts to know your true nature. You’re nothing more than a sex obsessed guy trying to get off. I was just a pawn in your game of conquests. I wasa child. You knew better. You should. Why would you do something like that to me? To anyone? I trusted you with all of me. I believed everything you told me. You hurt me worse than anyone ever could. I tried to mold and form myself to fit your image of perfection. I’m fucking tired. Of all of this. I can’t believe I let you do that to me. I’m hurt, embarrassed and disgusted with myself… The worse part of it is that you don’t care. You never did. You never took the time to get to know me nor did try to. I am pathetic. I’m absolutely fucking pathetic for letting a monster like you into my life.

I wish I never met you. 

I finished my last year of high school a few weeks ago and I have nothing to show for it. I haven’t accomplished anything remotely remarkable in my time spent in high school. I’ve done nothing but get caught up in drama and ephemeral unrealistic romances with my peers. I just want to go to college and finally be happy. My mother is up my ass constantly, and she has done nothing but try to ruin every major event in my life. Every accomplishment is overshadowed by her childish and persistent need for attention. The older I am the harder it is to find a common ground with her. I can’t stand her. She’s overweight,ugly,fat,hairy,unhealthy and unmotivated to do anything that requires any remote effort exerted on her own part. She is everything I hate and fear that I will become. I don’t want to end up like her. Shuffling through life with no common purpose or direction. She just clings to however and whatever she can hoping she can find meaning from it. It’s pathetic. She depends on men for survival and feels likes she needs them to support herself and my siblings. It’s fucking disgusting. She’s refused to work for the past two years due to some injury from a car accident. She uses somotaform symptoms of imagined illnesses to get out of doing even the most menial of tasks. All in all, she is glutinous, self-centered,self-righteous, ignorant,homophobic pig and I hate her. She serves no purpose in life other than to be a breeding animal. The only accomplishment she’s had in her life is  being the fuck doll of two assholes for which she later gave birth to children for, and a human punching bag for both dead beat fathers, physically and emotionally.

I vow to never end up like her. Emotionally and fiancially dependent on my signifiacant other to the point of losing myself,my dignity and my sanity. It infuriates and disgusts me how she uses the excuse that”If I didn’t sleep with your father and marry him, You would have never been born.” I’d rather be dead than to grow up in an environment full of hate,ignorance and bigotry.

My father is a self-acclaimed racist and bigot. He thinks interaccial dating and marriage leads to the destruction of black families and that we should stay with our own kind. This is funny coming from the ONLY black supremist with ONLY WHITE FRIENDS. Fucking idiot. He thinks homosexuality is wrong and uses the words “dykes,faggots” frequently in conversation to describe people. What the hell is wrong with you? You grew up during the Civil Rights Movement where people where beaten,killed and put in prison for something that they can’t control… Being black. And NOW more than forty years later, a new group of people are facing discrimation,the loss of human rights, harrassment,  abuse, and DEATH for something they can’t control… BEING GAY. I refuse to listen to your ignorance. I would think if anyone would understand and sympathizes with people who are unfairly discriminated against and hated for something they can’t control it would be you. But I digress. You are simply one of many ignorant,self-righteous, god fearing, hypocritical black men hateful of something you can’t understand. You’re disgusting and a disgrace to your family and your race. What makes you better than any one race or sexual orientation? Not a damn thing, Donald. Not a fucking thing. You are a piece of shit. You are selfish and not worth anyone’s time. You can’t even keep a roof over our heads?!!! IN MY EIGHTEEN YEARS OF LIFE WE’VE WENT THROUGH FOUR FUCKING HOMES, BECAUSE YOU CAN’T KEEP A JOB! DIDN’T YOU GO TO FUCKING COLLEGE AND GET A MASTER’S DEGREE WHY CAN’T YOU SEEM TO GET A JOB? WAIT… I think I know you’re too busy trying to blame the government for the inability of jobs. Maybe if you actually looked for a job instead of bitching all of the fucking time with your dick in your ass, you could find a job. Now, we are going to lose our apartment because you cut back your hours working cargo at the airport, because you’re “Emotionally exhausted and not fufilled at work” HEY!!!! FUCKARD!!! YEAH, UHMM… MAYBE IF YOU APPLIED FOR JOBS IN THE FIELD YOU POURED MY COLLEGE FUNDS AND THE HOME EQUITY LOAN INTO A DEGREE FOR A CAREER YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN PURSUING!!! YOU SACKLESS PIECE OF SHIT. YOU EARNED YOUR DEGREE TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO, YOU SHOULD HAVE FOUND A JOB BY NOW. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO WRITE A REVIEW ON OPRAH’S BOOK LIST FOR THAT SHITTY BOOK OF POEMS YOU WROTE SEVERAL YEARS AGO. HEY, DIPSHIT I MENTIONED IT TO YOU FUCKING SIX YEARS AGO THAT WE COULD PITCH THAT IDEA TO HER, YOU ARE SIX FUCKING YEARS TO LATE, FUCKING MORON. YOU ARE A PATHETIC MONEY HUNGRY LEECH. MAYBE IF YOU LEARNED TO WORK HARD FOR EVERYTHING GIVEN TO YOU IN YOUR LIFE INSTEAD OF JUST ASSUMING THAT YOU DESERVE IT, YOU WOULD HAVE HAD AN EASIER LIFE. PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. TO BE WEALTHY, AND HAVE EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER WANTED YOU HAVE TO FUCKING WORK FOR IT. YOU CAN’T WORK PART TIME AT A JOB YOU’RE OVERQUALIFIED FOR AND RELY ON CREDIT CARDS,AND LOANS TO GET BY. YOU EVEN HAD TO ASK ME TO BORROW MONEY, MY FUCKING HARD EARNED MONEY THAT I EARNED FROM WORKING„ SOMETHING YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT DIPSHIT, TO BUY GAS. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? DID IT OVER OCCUR TO YOU, THAT UNLESS YOU PUT IN MORE EFFORT INTO FINDING A DECENT PAYING JOB YOU WILL ALWAYS MANAGE TO FUCKING DIRT SHIT POOR. DO YOU LIKE NOT HAVING FOOD ON THE TABLE? I FUCKING DON’T. I HAD TO TAKE MY MONEY THAT I’VE BEEN SAVING UP FOR COLLEGE AND BUYING GROCERIES. I WOULD THINK THAT YOU AND MOTHER WOULD HAVE SAVED UP MONEY FOR ME, BUT FROM WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT… YOU SPENT IT ALL. ON YOURSELF. I HATE YOU. AND I WISH NOTHING BUT THE WORSE FOR YOU. I AM SURE YOU WILL NEVER BETTER YOURSELF AND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AS LONG AS YOU LIFE YOU WILL BE PERPETUALLY IN A NEVER ENDING CYCLE OF POVERTY,ANGUISH,AND FIANICIAL STRIFE. YOUR HEALTH WILL SUFFER AND YOU WILL MOST LIKELY SUCCUMB TO THE ILLNESSES THAT BEFALL MOST IGNORANT,OBESE, GLUTINOUS BLACK MEN. YOU HAVE GOUT THREE TIMES A YEAR, SEVERAL HEART ATTACKS,HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE,KIDNEY STONES AND YOU’RE PRE DIABETIC…HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU, THAT WHAT YOU EAT IS CONTRIBUTED TO THE EXTREMITY OF YOUR CURRENT STATE OF HEALTH. You don’t have much life left in you. You’ll end up dying in the next two or three years from a hear attack or stroke due to your poor health and diet. Until you learn to better yourself as a person for yourself, my siblings and my mother, you will always suffer. 

I absolutely abhor gum. I hate the noises associated with the vile act,slurping, popping,smacking.. Ugh. Why do people have to  chew it with their mouths wide open? What pisses me off the most is when I tell people I don’t like to see them chewing it,smell it on them, or hear it, they laugh and smack it loudly in my face. What the fuck is wrong with people? You can’t tell me that you can’t go a few minutes even a fucking hour with constantly masticating something repetitively in your fucking mouth. Don’t tell me it helps with weight loss. I DOUBT THAT IT ACTUALLY DOES BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE I SEE CHEWING GUM ARE FUCKING FAT,OBESE OR OVERWEIGHT. Chewing gum actually increases your hunger it doesn’t ward it weight,FUCKTARDS. If you want to lose weight stop eating so fucking much and exercise. If you need help to concentrate and chewing on things helps you… Go see a doctor. There is seriously something wrong with you. And it doesn’t help whiten your teeth jackasses. You know what does?… BLEACHING AND BRUSHING YOUR FUCKING TEETH NOT CHEWING ON A DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT FOR HOURS ON FUCKING END. REALLY?!!! PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID AS SHIT. 

           I’m sorry. I was such a bitch to you. You’re a sweet guy despite the rumors I’ve heard about you, and honestly for the time being that we were on good terms I was starting to like you. The more I saw, the more attractive you became in my eyes. You’re funny, attractive, and you always manage to make me smile… Everyone told me that you were wrong for me but I never gave you the chance to prove them wrong. You could have been a good fit for me. We could have had a wonderful relationship and everything… But, my reservations about you kept you at a distance. I was told that you were only getting with me to try to sleep with me, that I was a bet with some friends to see who could get the further with me.. I’ll never know. I was too busy trying to find fault with you that I never took the time to get to know you. Instead, I ridiculed your very existence and ignored you when people were around. I was embarrassed of you, and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t tell if I liked you or the attention I was getting from you. I started to get angry when you never returned my texts or took me out. I just wanted more than an ephemeral fling. Is that too much to ask from you? I guess so. I stand true to my reservations. Apparently, they were true. You are known to sleep around with anyone and EVERYONE. You had sex in a closet, and you are known to use and disrespect women. With a reputation like yours, I think I was right to be leery of your intentions at first… But I digress.

           A friend of mine told me I was too attractive for you, and I let it go to my head. The more I tried to find out about you the more disappointing and irritated I became. I started to side with everyone’s bad opinions about you and then I tried to distance myself from you. I could never stop thinking about you. I daydreamed about potential dates, sleeping with you, kissing you, being your girlfriend, dating you. I was damn near obsessed with you. I don’t know if it’s because I wanted to be a relationship and felt desperate to be with someone, or if it’s because I reveled in the attention you threw at me or was it because I actually fell for you… I’ll never truly know. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve never met a guy like you. 

         Realistically speaking in hindsight I knew nothing was going to become of us. My body issues anxiety, paranoia and low self-esteem prohibited me to even be in the slightest way intimate with you. It always comes to this. Guys find me attractive because of my outer appearance and then become bored with me once they realize how I am. Is that all I am to some people? Am I nothing more than my outer appearance? I find this to be all too true when we first started talking. We ventured straight into a sexual conversation, and I was at a loss for words. I found you very attractive but I didn’t know how to react to that type of stuff. I always wind up venturing into those topics with guys. You called me late at night to come to your house to “chill”… And do what?!!!! I don’t get you. Where you only trying to sleep with me or did you want something serious? I guess in the end I expected to much from you as I was always comparing you to the guy who broke my heart. He was in my eyes perfection. And I now know that no matter what you did, you would never be a good enough a substitution for him. 

        I can’t believe I was so completely desperate to be in a relationship I clung to the first guy that talked to me. You are a great guy.. But I was more in enthralled with the idea of being in a relationship than being with you. I was paranoid about what others would think of me being with you and us being together… With how you dress and how I look.. I mean, I know I’m not perfect… I couldn’t get past it. It was juvenile to think that I couldn’t be with you because of how you dressed. I was even willing to change you to look like another guy I had my eyes set on.

      Dealing with you, made me realize how judgmental I am towards people. I was turned off by you because of how you dressed! How shallow is that? I regret how I went about things with you. Maybe it was bad timing, I wish I would have met you this summer after school got out. Maybe things would have went better.. I wouldn’t have had people molding my opinion about you. I    should have given you a chance to prove me wrong, and I shouldn’t have went a picked and prodded through your skeletons and past transgressions. I know this isn’t much of an apology, I wrote this to try and sort out my feelings towards you because I don’t know how I feel about you. All in all, I wish you the best in life and hope that you meet a girl that sweeps you off your feet. Hopefully she can help you apply yourself and mature a bit more.  You’re adventurous,quirky,weird,outgoing and unbelievable sweet. I’m sorry I was so cruel to you. I wish you the best in life. I’m sorry nothing became of the two of us.

        I seriously doubt that you’ve given my lack of existence in your life an afterthought. You’re probably forgotten about me entirely. Most likely your at your house drunk out of your  mind, fucking a random girl ,smoking weed and acting like a jackass. At times,(MAJORITY OF THE TIME) I’m almost ashamed to admit that I  almost dated you… I can’t defend your behavior because when it comes down to it, I really don’t know you. I judged off of everyone else’s opinions of you. What did I mean to you?… If I ever meant anything to you. Whether or not you care if I exist, I deleted your number and erased all existence of you in my oasis. You won’t hear from me, again. I don’t even know if I even really cared for you or the attention you gave me. You told me I was gorgeous, attractive, sexy and pretty and I ate it up. It’s nice to feel wanted and lusted after. Realistically, I should have known that we couldn’t form a substantial relationship with one another if it based on false pretenses. You wanted to sleep with me, because you found me attractive and I just simply wanted someone to be with. We weren’t meant for each other. We never were. I saw you in the mall the other day and I almost threw up. I don’t know if it was repulsion, or regret. I quickly made sure I was out of sight. I’m so conflicted and ashamed I couldn’t even stand to see you or find the courage to face you. 

        I hope one day, I can think of you and smile. These thoughts and feelings harbored for you will pass. I’ll meet another guy and he’ll sweep me off of my feet and we’ll mesh well together. Our socioeconomic backgrounds wouldn’t have allowed us to even coexist. You come from a world of lavish vacations, no limit allowances, outlandish parties, and wealth and I come from a world of living pay check to pay check, budgeting, losing homes, not having enough food to last a month, missing out on social events because of a lack of income, living in subsidence housing, welfare checks and food stamps. Why would a rich white boy who immerses himself in black culture and music want an uptight, book smart black girl from the ghetto? I know you said you found me attractive… Is there more to your reasoning? I don’t get it. I’ve never had things given to me. I struggle to scrape together money to buy clothes. Yes, I do dress to the nines on most occasions. But, I’ve never had a life as easy as yours. You get everything you want, you skid past in life without facing any major repercussions from your actions. I’m envious of your life and I couldn’t stand it that you were more well off than me. Your parents let you do whatever you want. For the last 18 years of my existence, I’ve been forced to adhere to the rigid expectations of my parents to behave in a suitable manner, and I get pressure from everyone to act and be a certain. And you come into my life and you simply don’t give a shit about life, and your place in it. You can’t just expect to party your way through life. What happens when the funds run out? What do you do? I couldn’t be with you because of how carefree and childish you were. I admire and abhor those qualities about you. We simply cannot have been and even though I regret how things ended… It was better for the both of us in the long run. There was no way I could mold you into what I wanted. You could have been everything I’d ever wanted and it still wouldn’t be enough for me.